The Road To Awe
by isabellasnow
Summary: mamihlapinatapai: a look shared by two people, each wishing the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin


**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Harry Potter, or anything else of consequence. **

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Sirius Black walked into the Hogwarts library with a sense of purpose. At sixteen, he was handsome, charming, and fairly brilliant in his own way, so he had come to the conclusion that he had the right to strut about the halls of Hogwarts as if he was Merlin's personal gift to the old institution.

Or maybe he was just so painfully desperate to craft an identity of his own that had nothing to do with his sinister family name that he was willing to do anything - be anyone - to ensure his success in that endeavor.

If it was the latter reason, not a soul could tell from the way the young man carried himself as he strode both casually and intentionally up to the table under the window whose lone occupant was a very pretty girl.

Lily Evans was indeed quite pretty. If Sirius were being objective, he would admit that she might be one of the most beautiful witches he had ever seen. His best friend, James Potter, certainly found her attractive enough to have spent the past six years in open pursuit of her, and that was really all that mattered. For Sirius - a young man teetering on the edge of casting off the yoke of his family altogether - James was practically a brother; James was the most important person in his life. Sirius knew himself to be many things - conniving, manipulative, arrogant, and a bit of a deviant - but above all else, he was loyal. So yes, Lily Evans was a very pretty girl, but this fact did not concern him. Sirius could have mostly any girl he set his mind on having - and none of them the object of his best mate's obsession - and he was certainly not the type to move mountains over a pretty face.

So Lily had become a bit irrelevant to him. He interacted with her in a peripheral sense as both his housemate and through James' attempts to woo her, but he saw no other reason to make the effort to acknowledge her on any other plane. Which is why Lily's book tumbled from her hands and she almost leapt out of her chair when Sirius slid in beside her at the library table.

"Hello, Evans!" Sirius said brightly as she looked at him in shock. "I think you dropped something." He smirked and looked pointedly at the book she had been reading, now lying open on the floor, the pages getting bent.

Lily narrowed her eyes at him briefly before snatching to book up and placing it on the table.

"Black," She said in a voice that Sirius found to be impressively void of emotion. No matter how many times he was reminded of her distaste for him and the other Marauders, he always seemed to forget the strength of her convictions. He might have admired her for it if her animosity wasn't directed at him and his mates. "What brings you to this part of the castle? Don't tell me you actually take the time to crack open a book between detention and snogging girls in broom closets?"

He let out a bark of laughter at her cleverness. He also grinned as he realized she was referring to the incident the week prior in which she caught him in a broom closet with a sixth-year Ravenclaw on her nightly prefect rounds.

"Well, no actually," he said casually as he angled his body to face hers. "That's where you come in."

Lily said nothing, only arching one eyebrow in a gesture that obviously bid him to continue.

"Ok, here's the thing," he dropped his voice. "I'm going to fail the astrology exam we've got coming up, and if I fail anything else, McGonagall is going to have me off the Quidditch team."

"What a pity," Lily mused with obviously false sincerity. "I'm not sure what you expect me to do about your little dilemma."

"Well, you - you're - uh -" Sirius looked visibly uncomfortable. "You're rather good at, well, just about everything, and I was - uh -" He chewed on his lip, the gesture oddly childish on his mature face.

"Just spit it out, Black," Lily said with a roll of her green eyes.

"I want you to help me study!" Sirius whispered in a rush, as if he was afraid someone would hear him. _"Please."_ He made a face like the word tasted sour on his tongue.

"Ok." Lily said simply, shrugging her shoulders.

Sirius looked like he has been doused with cold water. "O-Ok?" He spluttered. He had certainly not expected her to agree so quickly.

"Yes. Ok. I'll do it."

Sirius sighed with relief. "Well, when -"

"Just one thing," Lily interrupted him. He looked at her warily. "What do you mean, _just about everything?"_

It took Sirius a few second to realize what she was going on about, but when he did, a cocky grin spread across his face. "Oh don't look so put out, Evans. We both know you're no match for my defense skills."

"I - well -" Lily pouted. Sirius just kept grinning. "Fine. Meet me in the astronomy tower at 10:30," she said with renewed confidence.

"I like it when you're bossy." He winked at her. She made a face, her sparkling eyes narrowing and a pretty flush staining her cheeks.

Sirius stood up abruptly. He cleared his throat awkwardly before nodding and turning on his heel.

Lily's eyebrows knitted in confusion at his sudden departure, and she looked back down at her book to continue her reading.

"Oi! Evans!" Her head shot up as she heard Sirius' unmistakable voice calling loudly from the entrance to the library. The attention of everyone in the vicinity - which was, much to Lily's embarrassment, at least twenty students - was immediately trained on her. "Don't stand me up!"

Sirius flashed his winning smile at the entire library before ducking out of the room.

Lily groaned and proceeded to attempt to hide behind her book. What had she gotten herself into?

xxx

The muscles in Lily's legs burned as she ran up the steps to the astronomy tower. She was at least twenty minutes late for her meeting with Sirius, and while it was Sirius Black, and she wasn't sure she really cared much about holding up any promises to him, Lily Evans did not like to be late. She paused just before she reached the top of the staircase to catch her breath. He had probably gotten tired of waiting and left anyway, so what did it matter if she took a moment to collect herself?

"Tough climb?" She heard his voice drift from somewhere around the corner of the stairwell and near the observation deck. _Damn,_ she thought. He knew she was there. Which means he had heard her panting like an overweight troll in her effort to catch her breath as well.

"I apologize for my lateness," she said as she walked calmly from the stairwell. She came out onto the observation deck and was surprised when she didn't see him.

"No need to speak so formally, Evans. We are breaking curfew to be here; you might as well loosen up a bit." Lily's head whipped around at the sound of his voice coming from the far wall and under an overhang that hid him from the moonlight.

"What are you doing over there?" She called curiously. It was odd, she thought, to come up to the astronomy tower and hide in the one corner where you couldn't see a speck of sky.

"Hiding from the stars," Sirius said so quietly she wasn't sure he had even intended for her to hear him.

She frowned. "Well you can't very well study them if you can't even see them." Lily sat down on the rough planks of the deck and pulled her notes and some spare parchment from her bag.

She looked over to him, half-hidden by the shadows, and then motioned for him to come and join her. It was an oddly friendly gesture - that little wave and the pat she gave the spot of floor beside her - to pass between Lily Evans and Sirius Black, but this was a professional meeting, and Lily was nothing if not professional, so she could play nice for the night.

Sirius walked slowly towards her, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, and settled beside her.

"So why so late?" He said conversationally. "I was half a mind to think you'd stood me up out of spite."

Lily's lips twitched with a small smile. "Well I won't lie and say the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but I would feel terrible if we lost the Quidditch cup because one of our beaters got kicked off the team because I was too proud to help him study." She watched as her comment brought a smile to his face.

"And here I thought you didn't give a rat's arse about Quidditch."

"Just because I don't play doesn't mean I'm not invested." She watched him smile again. She had decided that his real smiles - the ones for himself, not to mock or garner a reaction from someone else - were incredibly shy. She had to admit, it was a little disarming to see someone so infuriatingly confident showing such a human idiosyncrasy.

When he remained silent she spoke again. "And I am sorry for being late."

"What kept you?"

"First-year Hufflepuffs out of bed." Lily paused as she realized she was having an almost normal conversation with Sirius Black. Something about the silence and the darkness that surrounded them made his presence considerably less maddening. She shook her head to clear the unwelcome civil attitude she was quickly adopting towards the young man she considered to be one of her least favorite people on the planet. "They got lost looking for the kitchens, which I find remarkable because their dorms are right next to it. Although they _are_ Hufflepuffs, so I suppose it's not really _that_ surprising..." She mused and her sentence trailed off as she glanced at Sirius. He was looking at her as if she had just turned into a hippogriff.

"What?" She snapped.

"Did you - _the_ Lily Evans, Gryffindor's Princess of Purity - just say something that could be interpreted as unkind?" She couldn't tell from his tone if he was joking or not. It seemed to be a bit of both.

"I'll have you know that I am perfectly capable of saying things that are unkind," Lily said haughtily. "And I'm not a princess of purity." She cringed the second the words left her mouth. Her choice of words could certainly be left open to interpretation.

"The things you learn..." Sirius said under his breath as he shook his head.

The silence between them stretched a beat too long.

"So, uh, where do we start?" He asked.

"Oh!" Lily started and jumped to organize her notes. "Right, okay. So I figured we'd start with the major constellations and work from there..."

xxx

"Sirius!" Lily called, trying to get his attention.

"Hmm?" He responded, turning his head to face her from where he lay on the ground beside her while she pointed up at various stars and rattled off various facts.

"You're not even looking at the sky." She had been so caught up in her descriptions of the stars and their patterns of position and visibility that she had almost forgotten the quiet presence of her classmate beside her, but when she looked down at him, she was surprised to see that he had his head turned to his side, and was staring off into space.

"Oh. I uh - I guess I wasn't," he said sheepishly. He pushed himself up on one elbow and hung his hand on the back of his neck.

"Why not?" She propped herself up on one arm as well to mirror his position.

"What? What do you mean, why not? Do I need a reason to get bored of astronomy?" He sounded oddly defensive.

"No. But you certainly need a reason for why you're so defensive about it." She almost smiled because she could tell she had him cornered in a position where he was uncomfortable - not that she could begin to fathom why - but she felt bad for pushing him at the same time.

Sirius sighed, and his eyes flicked up to the stars for a moment before meeting hers with an intensity that would have made her uncomfortable in its own right, but was only enhanced by the fact that his gaze was so blank and guarded.

"What's my name?" He asked suddenly.

"What?" Lily's brow knitted with confusion.

"I asked you what my name was."

"Um, Sirius?"

"Yes. Sirius, after the dog star." He chewed on his lip for a moments before continuing. "And my brother? My father? The rest of my family members?"

Lily was very confused now, but she played along. "Regulus and Orion, right? And there's an Arcturus, Andromeda... _Bellatrix._" She spat the last name like it was poison. Bellatrix Lestrange had already made quite a name for herself. "Come on, what's this about? It's not like I have your family tree here in my notes."

"Honestly, Evans, and I thought you were supposed to be a clever one." Lily didn't even have time to be offended before he spoke again. "Stars. We're all named after stars. And the odd constellation here and there. My whole damned family tree reads exactly like your notes, actually."

"Oh, well that's uh -" Lily paused, realizing that while she had heard what he said, she hadn't really been listening at all. "You don't get along well with your family, do you?" Lily could have slapped herself. Everyone - _everyone_, even first-years - knew about the animosity between Sirius and the more traditional members of the Black family. The fact that he was the only member to ever be sorted into a house other than Slytherin was only a small part of that, she suspected.

"Ha!" Sirius let out a cynical bark of laughter. "No. I suppose I don't."

"And all the stars remind you of them?" Lily prompted. She hated to agitate him when he was obviously very troubled about something to do with his family, but her curiosity got the better of her; it tended to be one of her more prominent weaknesses.

Sirius looked at her oddly for a moment, their eyes meeting again, and Lily's breath caught in her throat. His eyes were shining wetly, the moisture in them so close to spilling over, but their expression was hard and full of anger. He took a deep breath and pursed his lips, all the while maintaining eye contact with her. He seemed to be preparing himself for something, but she couldn't quite say what it was exactly that gave her that impression.

"Yes. And -" He finally looked away then and roughly ran a hand over his face before gripping the back of his neck - something she was beginning to see as a nervous habit. "And I really wish I could forget about them right now. Maybe forever. But all I can think about is them and all of the things - well, that's not stuff you want to hear."

Sirius looked intensely uncomfortable and was biting his lip so hard it looked about to split. Lily was so bewildered by his forthcomingness that she did the only thing she could do in the moment.

"Stop," she whispered, lightly brushing her fingers against his shoulder, and recoiling when she felt his tense. "You're starting to bleed."

Lily watched as he brought two fingers up to brush over his bottom lip with an absent look in his downcast eyes, and she noticed that it was marred with the little scabbed chap marks indicating this lip-worrying was a problem of his. She started and leaned back abruptly when she realized that she had moved close enough to actually _see_ the marks on his bottom lip, which was much too close.

"You could see other things when you look at them, you know." She didn't know why she said it, but something about seeing such raw vulnerability reflected in the face of someone whom she had always assumed to have the emotional capacity of a flobberworm was incredibly unnerving. She had to help him.

Sirius' eyes flicked up to hers and suddenly he was pulling himself into a full sitting position.

"It's late," he said simply, and the spell of the moment - whatever it was that had sucked he and Lily out of their roles as Hogwarts students and mutual antagonists and cast them as just two people sharing secrets in the dark - was broken.

"Oh no!" She leapt to her feet and began shoving her notes and things back into her bag. "I can't be out this late. I'm a prefect, for Merlin's sake! What will Professor McGonagall say? Goodness, what time is -"

"Lily." Sirius' gruff voice cut her off. She jumped and inhaled sharply at the sound of her given name on his tongue. "You're rambling. Relax."

"I - uh - yes. Um, okay." Lily stared at his feet, unable to meet his eyes, not that she was sure why exactly.

The pair stood there for a moment, on the observation deck, both staring at the other's shoes.

"Well I'm off then," Lily said suddenly, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder. "I know I'm supposed to tell you to get back to the tower, but -" She wasn't sure what to say without putting him on the defensive.

"Thanks." Sirius said, taking a small step towards her and awkwardly shifting his weight away at the same time. "Can we try this some other time?"

Lily's mind went blank when she met his gaze and saw the pleading look in his eyes. His words asked her for more instruction, but his expression begged for something else. The words didn't even feel like they left her of her own volition as she spoke. "Of course."

Sirius stepped to the side, allowing her passage to the stairs that led down from the tower.

"Goodnight Lily."

Lily brushed past him quickly, walking as quickly as possible toward the stairs. She was already a few steps down before she stopped shortly and turned her head to look back up into the tower. Sirius' back was to her, his hands shoved back in his pockets, and he stood near the edge of the deck, looking pointedly out over the grounds but avoiding the sky.

"Goodnight, Sirius," She called just loud enough for him to hear before continuing down the stairs.

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**A/N: Okay! A Sirius/Lily fic! I have to say, I have a deep appreciation for this pairing. This is for many reasons that I will hopefully be able to demonstrate through this story.**

**And no, I will not say if this is a L/S or a L/J cannon endgame fic. All I will tell you is that this is first and foremost about the relationship between Lily and Sirius. **

**Let me know what you thank! (Drop me a line, siriusly.) **


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